What is Divorce Mediation?

At its root, divorce mediation is an opportunity for divorcing spouses to have a conversation about how they will distribute their resources and have time with their children. The mediator is present to make sure the conversation is balanced and productive. Because divorce is often emotionally difficult, it is also the mediator's job to ensure both spouses are able to manage their emotions and make good decisions.

What is divorce, really?
When people say they are getting married, we automatically think about the wedding. When they say they are getting a divorce we almost automatically think they are going to an attorney to begin a legal process. We are inclined to mark the beginning and ending of marriage in very concrete terms. We have a date when the marriage begins and ends. And, these dates are associated with legal or formal events. We can point to a marriage certificate and a divorce decree. Both are legal, formal and dated as if the marriage actually began and ended on the dates designated.

Most of us know, however, that this kind of distinct beginning and ending is not the way marriage actually works. The wedding is usually a celebration of something (marriage) that took place weeks, months or even years earlier. The marriage certificate and date simply validate the commitment made. Likewise, the actual divorce decree is simply the validation of a process that likely took months or years to complete.

So, like marriage, divorce is both an emotional and legal event. In fact, for most couples the emotional aspect of divorce is much more difficult, time consuming and perhaps important than the legal aspect. When asked, most divorce attorneys will acknowledge that the legal dimension of divorce is often the place where couples act out their emotional divorce. The net result is that each party commits to pay $250 to $450 per hour to an attorney who will deal with emotional issues but who has no training in that area and who often exacerbates the emotional aspects of the divorce by using aggressive and adversarial language.

As a trained divorce mediator, I believe divorce is primarily an emotional event and that the legal aspect of divorce is simply formalizes the intention and/or the fact of the emotional divorce. While the legal profession has an essential role in divorce, it should be engaged at the end of the process—not at the beginning.

A better way to divorce...
If divorce is all about disentangling two people emotionally, then it doesn’t make sense to begin with attorneys. The legal process is by its very nature adversarial. To add an adversarial ingredient to an already conflict ridden situation is like pouring gasoline on a fire. Granted, eventually the fire will burn itself out but the damage that will likely occur in the process is usually substantial.

My approach to divorce mediation begins with the assumption that most divorcing couples are seeking freedom—freedom from anger, confusion and fear. Many who have experienced a difficult divorce would attest to the fact that introducing an attorney at the onset of the divorce process only increases anger, confusion and fear.

For more information on divorce mediation, please visit Couples at Crossroads.